You will probably notice in this guide that I'm partial to anal sex toys: 'Is he gay?' No, I'm straight – maybe a little touch of bi-sexuality but I'm definitely what most people would class as straight. Some men are terrified of the idea of anal stimulation, which is a shame because it can give you a kick like nothing else. I love masturbating with a vibrating butt plug, and I get turned on by she-males, but I most definitely have no fantasies about being bent over a big fat hairy
prison inmate named 'Bubba'! No, I like anal but I'm not gay.
Listed here are some of my favorite sex toys, collected over the years. I've bought dozens of toys, most of which have quickly been thrown away in disgust or have broken in 5 minutes flat. The following are all toys that get my personal stamp of approval...
Bought 'em, loved 'em! :-)
First, my expensive toys:
'Hide A Cock' Fucking Machine from Ken's Twisted Mind.
This thing is awesome! It costs about $400, which may sound like a lot of money, but it's in a different league to your typical plastic sex toy. Only when you see the thing in motion can you appreciate that the guy who builds them isn't putting you on when he says they are 'fucking machines, not toys'. The stroke is powerful, smooth and adjustable – you can crank the speed up as much as you like and it still pumps away as smooth as silk, but personally I think it feels best at about ¼ speed.
For those of us living in the UK, there is a small fly in the ointment: IMPORT DUTY.
On top of the $400 there will be at least another $100 for shipping (which is perfectly reasonable) and then the sting: Import Duty is between 30-50% of the total value of the item
including shipping, which takes the total up to about $750.. not far off £400. You might get lucky and be charged the lowest duty – it's all very arbitrary – but you should expect to pay 40%.
Orgasm Alley v Ken's Twisted Mind?
These are the only two manufacturers of fucking-machines that I'm aware of (apart from Sybian) and I don't know who is better. Take a look and decide for yourself.
If you have questions about these machines, Ken of KTM or Paul of OA will always try to answer emails if they have time.
Anal accessories.
I bought two vac-u-lock dildos; one is a jelly-pink dildo which is only medium sized and also a full sized realistic dildo. But when it comes to hitting your prostate just right, what you really want is something with beads or ripples; the sensation of your anus being forced to constantly open and close is staggering. Unfortunately there are no vac-u-lock anal toys (not as such anyway) but it's not hard to make up an adapter (or buy one one from KTM or OA) to make a regular dildo or probe fit securely onto your machine. I bought an 'Anal Navigator' which is rigid enough (but still very soft) and holds in place very well with a converted plastic beaker. Before you choose an anal toy for your Fucking-Machine, make sure it's nice and long: If you are lying on your back on you bed, you'll find that it's tricky to get a good angle and the dildo or probe will pop out unless it's long enough to be able to keep the end in.
Beware of cheap imitations!
A few years ago, there was a spate of cheap but crappy machines being sold that were powered by car windscreen (windshield) wiper motors – there's nothing wrong with using wiper motors for all kinds of projects, but they are too weak and irregular to power a real fucking-machine.
'Spank-O-Matic' from Orgasm Alley.
I haven't tried this one yet, but I've placed an order and I'll post a review at a later date :-)
Suffice to say that even at $1250 – which will probably cost nothing short of £1000 when it arrives – I'm not regretting it!
It's the Spank-O-Matic 'MAX' version should you want to buy one yourself.
Electroplay: Bodi-X EMS System. Bzzzztttt!
Okay, so it's not actually a sex toy, but I bought it a couple of years ago as a substitute for a Rimba Power Box which was too expensive at the time. It's an electrical impulse device used for muscle toning, and despite it's small size (uses 3 AAA batteries)
it can deliver a surprisingly powerful charge – I've not even had it past half power! The TENS Rimba unit is probably much better for use as a sex toy and the price has come down a lot since I bought the Bodi-X: The Bodi-X is an EMS type, priced at around £65. The Rimba, although it looks crude in comparison is specifically designed to give the right 'feel' – it costs about £80 or so.
The standard pads are fun, but the Rimba parachute (which straps around your balls) is sensational for a real BDSM kick ;-D
Poppers.
Still completely legal in the UK, they're not exactly safe but used occasionally they are not likely to cause problems. If you are
trying poppers for the first time, be aware that although they are not physically addictive they can be habit forming; it's easy to get into a routine of using them every time you masturbate – not a good thing. This is a bit difficult to explain, but you won't feel more pleasure using poppers than you would if you were masturbating normally; poppers just make it feel like more of a high, and the high diminishes if over-used.
Take a look at your reflection in a mirror after using poppers: Your face will look a little drawn and the end of your nose slightly enlarged due to the change in blood pressure (not very attractive). You'll be looking normal again after about 12 hours, but be aware that you'll be looking a bit off-color for a few hours even if you don't feel it.
Don't use poppers too often: Personally I would say that once a fortnight (2 weeks) is safe enough, but overuse can cause mood swings, headaches, and lower your immune system, making you feel tired and vulnerable to coughs and colds and you'll almost certainly feel a little bit low for a day or two after using them; it takes about 48 hours for the toxic residue to clear out of your system.
So why do I still use them?
Because they're fabulous! They are a quick cheap high that can turbo-boost a serious masturbation session. I love the whumpa-whumpa-whumpa feeling that starts in my ears and spreads through my whole body making me instantly feel dizzy, warm, turned-on, and relaxed.
I only use them when I've got plenty of time and really feel like treating myself to a full-on session of masturbation because it takes a while to get ready – at least half an hour – and then afterwards my room will be a mess and I'll have to spend an hour tidying up.
The biggest problem though is that if you are trying to be discreet you can't use poppers when there is anyone else in the residence: The fumes from even the tiniest splash of poppers will spread like crazy: When you've just been huffing them for 10 minutes, you won't notice how strong the lingering after-scent is – in much the same way as a smoker can't smell a spent cigarette – so make sure you open your bedroom window and turn on a fan at full blast (buy one if you don't have one) to air the room out.
Go over the room with a vacuum-cleaner too, I'm not sure why it works but it does help to remove the smell. And finally of course, a shot of air-freshener. To be safe, you should use poppers only when you know you have the house all to yourself for the day.
To use poppers to best effect, get a medium sized food bag (the very thin plastic bags used for sandwiches) and a wad of tissue paper; open the bottle and put the wad of tissue over the hole and tip the bottle: Don't try to completely soak the tissue! Just a dab goes a long way. Now gently inhale from the bag and trip away :-)
Incidentely, there is a 'poppers mask' sold on the European internet sex store MEO.
When you're finished, tie a knot in the bag and put it in a sealable container – something with a proper vacuum seal – until you can dispose of it: I recommend dropping it in a public litter-bin on the street. You should also store the bottle in a well sealed container; even though you have replaced the cap, the bottle will continue to leak fumes for many hours (imagine trying to disguise the smell of petrol in your room). I'm not sure, but I think storing the bottle upside down may help to prevent fumes from escaping.
Oh, and never smoke around this stuff: It's highly flammable.
Tens Unit.
I can't even remember the make – maybe it's a Slendertone – but I bought it years ago as a pre-owned item. It's the full size TENS unit with
round pads – you often see them sold at car-boot sales for very little money. Try masturbating with a pair of those pads strapped to your bum!
Still one of my faves. :-)
Nipple Clamps, ball clamps.
I have a single set of Clover clamps (also known as Japanese Clover Clamps) which I bought 10 years ago – they never wear out. I've tried several types of clamp, but clover clamps are the very best nipple clamps I've ever found; don't waste money on anything less, and don't bother with vibrating nipple clamps either, they don't work (though I've only tried one set). They aren't cheap, expect to pay £10-£15 for a pair if you buy on-line.
Ball clamps: I should probably say 'scrotum clamps' because they attach to the loose skin. I use soft rubber-tipped clothes pegs. They come in two basic types: round ended or straight-ended. At about £1-£2 for a pack of 10 you might as well buy both and see which you prefer.
Any good supermarket will sell them, buy the best quality ones you can find – as a sex toy, they could hardly be cheaper.
Nipple clamps are easy enough to figure out, just put them on however they feel right. But you might be wondering about putting pegs on your balls; I use three; one in the middle between my balls and one on each side. It should feel a little painful, but not uncomfortable – if it pinches, try positioning them differently.
Butt Plugs.
My personal faves:
'Ass Master' from Doc Johnson.
This one has been around for 20 years but it's quite possibly the best of them all because of it's integrated handle. It's firm (made from plastisol, which is hard wearing yet soft and pliable) but quickly becomes soft with body heat.
Jelly plug – Medium.
The standard butt plug. It's simple, easy to insert, easy to clean. Don't be tempted by fancier designs: most of the 'feel' from a butt plug comes
from the resistance of the 'bulge' against the stem, and the various swirls and nodules that many plugs are adorned with don't often add anything to the sensation.
Anatomical Butt Plug.
A strangely shaped toy, very bulbous and organic looking. It has a hole in the base to take a vibrating egg (usually included). The sensation is different to a regular butt-plug: It gives a very 'fat and full' feeling and doesn't shift or move much like a regular plug does.... and don't forget the vibrator :-)
Vibrators.
i-toys rock!
There are a dozen or more copies of the Doc Johnson i-Toy design, but I recommend buying the i-Toy rather than a cheaper design that looks the same; cheaper units tend to have a lower quality egg (the egg is the what contains the vibrating motor – you'd be surprised how many makes of motor there are for vibrators) and the controller will have a cruder control system.
You can't beat a regular good quality vibe so buy a normal vibrator of some description, but the novelty of having different pulse settings is a delight. Buy one if you haven't already.
Vibrating cock ring.
A soft jelly ring with a small vibrator-egg attached. I love these! Strap it behind your balls for best effect.
Massage seats/mats.
Again, another mainstream item that can be used as a sex toy.
If like me you sometimes like to masturbate face-down, these are great. Keep an eye open for them at car boot sales – they cost around £50 new but you can buy them used for about £10 or less. They have multiple settings, heated pads and individual vibrating sections.
MP3
“But that's not a sex toy..”
No, but I love to masturbate listening to some dirty music – try it while using poppers to get really tranced out.
Here's a list of Music Compilations that have purely female vocals:
Quad Queen – Queen Of Quad
Bass Erotica – Erotic Bass Delight
Bass Erotica – Lust In Bass
Roobie Breastnut
Sexual Song ( website based - you can download their MP3's)
also:
Holly Valance – kiss
Spice Girls – Wannabe
